So, as mentioned in the last entry, I chose you as my word. It's what sang to me the loudest when I thought about what I wanted the new year to bring. I just wanted you; in anyway that I could possibly incorporate you. I wanted to make room within my spirit and have you sneak in and reside with me--stay alive with me. I still can't let you go. I just want you back. So choosing you as my word was an attempt to somehow bridge the gap between you being dead, and me being alive.
I'm not so sure if it's worked out that way yet. You continue to feel so far away. I talk to you daily in my head/heart, and I feel your presence, but I don't feel us inhabiting the same space. I don't feel as if I have taken on parts of you- not in the way I was thinking. I was hoping for this divine connection with you, and that on some level, I would emanate your spirit. Carry you on. But it's impossible to be no one other than me. Trying to be you is a tall order to fill. Probably an impossible one. That being said, I do carry an invisible "WWTD?" ("what would Tawny do/say/think?") bracelet with me daily. And, I wouldn't say it's been a completely futile effort
You have brought rainbows to the top of my list as an instant pick me up and an instant connection to me. Whereas before I was a rainbow liker, now I am a rainbow lover; and each time I see one, no matter how brilliant or "meh," I rejoice and feel connected to you. In fact, most times I will whisper to myself "hi Tawny!" and I feel you smiling down at me. Thank you for making rainbows more magic for me. :)
I'm also gardening more this year than ever before. In the previous years when Erik set up our little mini garden, I let him do most of the tending, while I did the reaping. Nowadays I take great pleasure in all of the care involved. It's another activity that makes me feel closer to you. You always had such a love for plants and such a green thumb and I am starting to gain a passion for plants and growing things. It is so therapeutic and it makes me feel closer to you. I am having fun learning the personalities of my different herbs, veggies and flowers and having fun getting to know their details. My Okra is sneaky- it shoots up quickly and if you let it go untended for more than a few days, it's delicious fruit becomes inedible and fibrous like sugarcane. Basil, another sneaky one too. It becomes all wood and flowers if I don't trim it regularly. My Chard is steady and dependable. It is always there for me producing beautiful leaves. (You would love my chard btw, it's got a bright pink center and has mutant leaves I know you would appreciate). My Eggplant too. It's fruits come and go, but when they come, they come in bounties. We are also growing lilikoi which require patience. I stare at those green globes all the time, and a month later am still waiting for them to turn yellow so that I can harvest and devour. Gardening makes me feel more connected not only to you, but my Grandma, my mom and Jelly as well. I thank you for your influence in that way as well.
I have yet to inhabit your Tawny specific free spirit. You were always so good at being 100% you. As for me, I'm not. So much of what I do is tempered by how it may be perceived by others. Insecurity is like an iron rod within me, often times making me stiffer than I want to be. I work at being polite and gracious, but I think sometimes I just come off as insincere in my efforts to be more sincere. I was secretly hoping that would be what I would embrace most during this year of striving to grow with your name as my leader, but that is a lesson that I anticipate taking many years to even begin to grasp. I love and envy how naturally it came to you. It makes me adore you so much and miss you all the more.
I have to tell you, the thing that has been most evident within this year, is LOSS. I feel my loss for you strongly and there's not a day that goes by that I'm not aware of it. Also within the course of a year, I have also managed to lose other friendships. Not through someone dying; but there is a type of death that lies within the brokeness of these relationships. In moments it feels like too much to bear, and I talk with you about it in my head all the time. When I do, I'm always transported back to a memory I have of the two of us sitting on the bed talking and you telling me "I'm not one of those people that need to have a lot of friends, I only need you guys." It was a truth and a non truth at the same time, because I know you grew close with other friends that lived on Maui and I don't for a minute doubt their importance in your life or the depth of your love for them. But there is something about that statement that comforts me. It reminds me that I don't need anyone more than who I have. But of course, that reminder lasts for a milisecond, before I'm back in the angst of feeling losses again.
Acceptance is not a strong point for me. I used to think it was, but in losing you, especially, I have learned that it's not. I keep wanting to revisit the past. Go back. Make what's lost be present again, and it's just not going to happen. I think a part of choosing you as my word, has been about choosing acceptance about your situation, and in turn other situations of loss-- where I feel like the world has robbed me of something that was mine. This has been the hardest lesson of the year, and one I'm still struggling to get through, but at least I am trusting the struggle-- or trying my best to trust it.
I love you. Always.
xoxo
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