i saw your kids yesterday. they were at paia bay, on the right side of the beach. there were waves and it was a perfect day. i watched them play in the white wash for awhile then walked down toward your girls and waved shyly. naia waved back first. i could tell she couldn't quite place me at first, but that she recognized me. i kept my distance from them to give them their space-- i didn't want to invade, and they were so happy playing.

i was there with jelly's kids, kai and nelli. kai and i made a sand heart with a moat around it, and he collected seaweed to outline it. naia and ariel walked past us with one of their girlfriends and made the same thing.  even though we didn't really talk or interact too much, i felt a connection. and it touched my heart. i could feel your energy in that moment.

there's a big awkwardness i feel with you family. it keeps me quiet, on the peripheral, and... awkward. i don't know what it is... 

i called your parents on thanksgiving to say hello and give holiday cheer and greetings, but i ended up hanging up on your dad. it wasn't intentional... i called and right when he said hello, i tried to say hello back, but the call dropped. i didn't have it in me to pick up the phone and dial again. i already felt so nervous about calling and when that happened, i took it as a sign. i don't know why i get so nervous. i get mad at myself for it, and yet, it's there, and there's a part of it that feels natural too. i don't know how to explain it.

right now i'm remembering the weekend last year that jelly came home to visit. that afternoon before my mom's birthday that we hung out at jo's house, then polly's and then the park. the kids were all with us, and it was fun to hang out with them. i gave your girls and jed their distance in the beginning but as the day went on and they got more comfortable with my presence, i found them cuddling in my lap, asking me questions and connecting with me. i remember ariel started crying when it was time to leave and she pretended she had an owee on her finger. you used visine as fake medicine to heal her aches, and i marveled at your mom skills. i remember thinking about how your children will always know gentleness from you, and it made me really proud of you and happy for them. later, after you had dropped them off, and came back up to my house, you told me that your kids really liked me. you said that they told you that i was their favorite. which i knew was a momentary honor, but still one that made me swell with pride.

after you died, and i got back from my travels in south america, i went over to your parents house around christmas time. the kids were there. i brought them presents and kimi and i hung out for a good couple of hours. naia and i connected the most-- i can't explain it, but i know she feels like i really see her and get her. she clung to me, and we talked quietly in whispers. ariel and kimi connected a lot too. ariel had fun playing with kimi's phone and editing pictures. she's quite techy. and jed was just mellow and happy and having fun with the attention and people to play with.

yesterday seeing them, i can tell you this they looked happy and alive.

i will make more efforts to connect with them. i want them to know that i'm always here if they ever need me. i know that i can say that, but unless i somehow make myself a presence, it won't hold water. i'll just be a stranger that watches them from afar.

i love you and miss you. xoxo